THE HOUSING CRISIS IN THE BAY AREA IS SOLVED FOREVER WITH THIS LARGE AND SPACIOUS MULTI-FAMILY HERITAGE-STYLE HOME FOR RENT!!! 2.5 BATHS, FULL BASEMENT, FEATURES LIVING ROOM W/ FIREPLACE, REFURBISHED KITCHEN WITH SLIDERS THAT LEAD TO CHARMING WOOD DECK, LAUNDRY ROOM!!! EVEN BETTER: DUE TO A FLUKE IN THE LAWS OF NATURE AND IN ANGRY DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL, THIS HOUSE IS LARGER ON THE INSIDE THAN ON THE OUTSIDE—MEANING THAT THERE IS A FUNCTIONALLY UNLIMITED NUMBER OF ROOMS FOR RENT!!!
SERIOUSLY, THIS HOUSE IS A VIOLATION OF ALL KNOWN LAWS OF PHYSICS AND BASIC HUMAN DECENCY. ITS IMPOSSIBLE INTERIOR WAS UNCOVERED BY THE PREVIOUS OWNER WHO, IN THE MIDST OF REMODELS, DISCOVERED THAT THE INTERIOR OF THE HALL CLOSET NOT ONLY EXCEEDED THE OUTSIDE WALL BY A QUARTER INCH BUT SUDDENLY OPENED UP INTO A DARK LABYRINTH OF INFINITE HALLWAYS. A SPELUNKING TEAM OF 6 PROFESSIONALS WAS DISPATCHED TO PLUMB ITS DEPTHS. ONLY TWO OF THEM RETURNED A MONTH LATER, SUFFERING FROM FROSTBITE, MALNUTRITION, PTSD AND MADNESS, AND NEVER HAVING DISCOVERED THE OUTER LIMITS OF THE HOUSE. THE PREVIOUS OWNERS SOLD QUICKLY AT A LOSS, BUT THEIR LOSS IS YOUR GAIN!!!
NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ZONING ORDINANCES: ONE HOUSING INSPECTOR FLED IN TERROR, A SECOND ONE WAS REDUCED TO A BABBLING MESS, AND THE CITY REFUSES TO SEND A THIRD, MEANING THAT IT IS TECHNICALLY NOT NOT ZONED FOR INFINITE TENANTS!!!
FURTHER UNIQUE FEATURES INCLUDE:
*THE ROOMS NEVER SEE THE SUN AND SO STAY COOL ALL YEAR ROUND IN SUMMER WITHOUT RUNNING A/C, SAVING YOU ON UTILITY BILLS AND IS GREEN FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!!!
*BURN CALORIES THROUGH OUR ENDLESS HALLWAYS!!! (JUST REMEMBER, IT TAKES FIVE 90-DEGREE-TURNS TO RETURN TO YOUR STARTING LOCATION, NOT FOUR)
*INDOOR INFINITY POOL—AND WE DO MEAN INFINITY!!! NO CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT SOMETHING IS ALIVE AT THE BOTTOM, OR THAT IT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DISAPPEARANCES. ALSO: CLEAN, RENEWABLE SOURCE OF FRESH WATER, POSSIBLY SOLVING CALIFORNIA’S DROUGHT PROBLEMS!!!
*INDOOR HIKING AND STAIR-CLIMBING: OVER 6,000 STAIR-CASES TO CLIMB! MORE DISCOVERED DAILY!
*NO NEED FOR BATHROOMS: ALL FECAL MATTER DEPOSITED INTO ANY HALLWAY ANYWHERE ALWAYS VANISHES WITHOUT A TRACE BY MORNING!
*FULLY FURNISHED UNITS AVAILABLE! ANY PRIME NUMBER COMES WITH FURNITURE LEFT BEHIND BY PREVIOUS TENANT, SO YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD! (NOTE: WE STILL HAVE NOT DISCOVERED THE HIGHEST PRIME NUMBER—NEITHER IN ADVANCED MATHEMATICS NOR IN THE HOUSE)
COME JOIN THE MOVEMENT TO DISRUPT THE REAL ESTATE INDUSTRY IN SILICON VALLEY AND RENT YOUR ROOM TODAY!!!
Top Customer Reviews:
“Well, obviously you get no sunlight, no central heating, there’s constant debate as to whether the growl is from the walls shifting or an actual monster haunting the hallways—and of course this place’s sheer existence is a goddamn rape of physics. But hot-damn, you will never find an apartment this cheap in the Bay Area again!”
-Chad Wilcox, Software Developer
“Seriously, I’d be homeless without this place.”
-Tracy Kim, Adjunct Instructor at San Jose State
“Don’t listen to the naysayers, the walls only shift based on your psychological state. As long as you recenter your chakra daily with a little yoga, meditation, and energy crystals, your space remains yours. It’s really about the labyrinths in your own soul, ya know? Namaste”
-Brittaney Fallsworth, Yoga Instructor
“The nightmares get worse every night (you never really get used to the nightmares)”
-Johnny Truant, Tattoo Apprentice
“I had to give away my dog—not because pets aren’t allowed, but because every time she got close to the property she barked hysterically and refused to enter. Technically not the management’s fault but still sad.”
-Jefferey Niles, Graduate Student
“I fed all known specs of this place into ChatGPT to see if it could predict and map out what the entire rest of the inner house must look like, only for the chatbot to abruptly switch to Zalgo font and tell me for the first and only time, ‘This knowledge is forbidden,’ then shut down and refuse to answer all my other queries. I’ve had to switch to a different AI account for work, which has been a pain in the neck, but again, can’t beat the rent!”
-Gunner Petersen, Digital Content Producer
“The Backrooms are real, and are even scarier than you imagined. It’s like ‘Skinamarink’ brought to life. Still, it was either this or commute from Modesto!”
-Jenene Cline, High School art teacher
“What a crock, the hallway keeps expanding! When I first signed my lease agreement my room was near the front entrance, but now I’m nearly a mile away and can’t even get any wifi or cell reception!!1! I work late nights and can barely find my way to my room as it is. The management will hear from me soon”
-Walter Miles, Lyft and Uber driver, last on line 9 months ago
“I have photographed mass-graves in Cambodia and Sudan, famine-victims in Ethiopia and Yemen, and war-torn rubble in Sarajevo, Gaza, Ukraine, and Iraq–but I have never felt the chill of death on my skin more oppressively than inside this house. Still better than house-hunting in Palo Alto.”
–Will Navidson, Photojournalist
“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
–Dante Alighieri, poet
“In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.”
-John 14:2-3
“This is not the house of God. This house IS God.”
-Anonymous
Rental facts and features
- Date available: Now and forever!
- Type: Multi-Family
- Bathroom: 2.5
- Bedroom: ∞
- Cooling: Central (of sorts)
- Heating: N/A
- Pets: Contact manager
- Parking: Street Parking Only
- Laundry: No Data
- Price/sqft: No Data
- Rent Control: No