Upon that night, when fairies[1] light
On Cassilis Downans[2] dance[3]
Or owre the lays, in splendid blaze[4],
On sprightly coursers prance;
Or for Colean the route is ta’en,
Beneath the moon’s[5] pale beams;
There, up the cove, to stray and rove,
Among the rocks and streams
To sport that night.
Among the bonny winding banks,
Where Doon rins, wimplin’ clear,
Where Bruce[6] ance ruled the martial ranks,
And shook his Carrick spear,
Some merry, friendly, country-folks,
Together did convene,
To burn their nits, and pou their stocks,
And haud their Halloween
Fu’ blithe that night.
The lasses feat, and cleanly neat,
Mair braw than when they’re fine;
Their faces blithe, fu’ sweetly kythe,
Hearts leal, and warm, and kin’;
The lads sae trig, wi’ wooer[7]-babs,
Weel knotted on their garten,
Some unco blate, and some wi’ gabs,
Gar lasses’ hearts gang startin’
Whiles fast at night.
Then, first and foremost, through the kail[8],
Their stocks[9] maun a’ be sought ance;
They steek their een, and graip and wale,
For muckle anes and straught anes.
Poor hav’rel Will fell aff the drift,
And wander’d through the bow-kail,
And pou’t, for want o’ better shift,
A runt was like a sow-tail,
Sae bow’t that night.
Then, staught or crooked, yird or nane,
They roar and cry a’ throu’ther;
The very wee things, todlin’[10], rin,
Wi’ stocks out owre their shouther;
And gif the custoc’s sweet or sour.
Wi’ joctelegs they taste them;
Syne cozily, aboon the door,
Wi cannie care, they’ve placed them
To lie that night.
The lasses staw frae ‘mang them a’
To pou their stalks of corn[11]:
But Rab slips out, and jinks about,
Behint the muckle thorn:
He grippet Nelly hard and fast;
Loud skirl’d a’ the lasses;
But her tap-pickle maist was lost,
When kitlin’ in the fause-house
Wi’ him that night.
The auld guidwife’s well-hoordit nits[12],
Are round and round divided,
And monie lads’ and lasses’ fates
Are there that night decided:
Some kindle coothie, side by side,
And burn thegither trimly;
Some start awa, wi’ saucy pride,
And jump out-owre the chimlie
Fu’ high that night.
Jean slips in twa wi’ tentie ee;
Wha ’twas she wadna tell;
But this is Jock, and this is me,
She says in to hersel:
He bleezed[13] owre her, and she owre him,
As they wad never mair part;
Till, fuff! he started up the lum,
And Jean had e’en a sair heart
To see’t that night.
Poor Willie[14], wi’ his bow-kail runt,
Was brunt wi’ primsie Mallie;
And Mallie, nae doubt, took the drunt,
To be compared to Willie;
Mall’s nit lap out wi’ pridefu’ fling,
And her ain fit it brunt it;
While Willie lap, and swore by jing,
‘Twas just the way he wanted
To be that night.
Nell had the fause-house in her min’,
She pits hersel and Rob in;
In loving bleeze they sweetly join,
Till white in ase they’re sobbin’;
Nell’s heart was dancin’ at the view[15],
She whisper’d Rob to leuk for’t:
Rob, stowlins, prie’d her bonny mou’,
Fu’ cozie in the neuk for’t,
Unseen that night.
But Merran sat behint their backs,
Her thoughts on Andrew Bell;
She lea’es them gashin’ at their cracks[16],
And slips out by hersel:
She through the yard the nearest taks,
And to the kiln goes then,
And darklins graipit for the bauks,
And in the blue-clue[17] throws then,
Right fear’t that night.
And aye she win’t, and aye she swat,
I wat she made nae jaukin’[18],
Till something held within the pat,
Guid Lord![19] But whether ‘was the deil himsel,
Or whether ’twas a bauk-en’,
Or whether it was Andrew Bell,
She didna wait on talkin’
To spier that night.
Wee Jennie to her grannie says,
“Will ye go wi’ me, grannie?
I’ll eat the apple[20] at the glass
I gat frae Uncle Johnnie:”
She fuff’t her pipe wi’ sic a lunt,
In wrath she was sae vap’rin’[21],
She notice’t na, an aizle brunt
Her braw new worset apron
Out through that night.
“Ye little skelpie-limmer’s face![22]
I daur you try sic sportin’,
As seek the foul thief ony place,
For him to spae your fortune.
Nae doubt but ye may get a sight!
Great cause ye hae to fear it;
For mony a ane has gotten a fright,
And lived and died deleeret
On sic a night.
“Ae hairst afore the Sherramoor, —
I mind’t as weel’s yestreen,
I was a gilpey then, I’m sure
I wasna past fifteen;
The simmer had been cauld and wat,
And stuff was unco green[23];
And aye a rantin’ kirn we gat,
And just on Halloween
It fell that night.
“Our stibble-rig was Rab M’Graen,
A clever sturdy fallow:
His son gat Eppie Sim wi’ wean,
That lived in Achmacalla:
He gat hemp-seed, I mind it weel,
And he made unco light o’t;
But mony a day[24] was by himsel,
He was sae sairly frighted
That very night.”
Then up gat fechtin’ Jamie Fleck,
And he swore by his conscience,
That he could saw hemp-seed[25] a peck[26];
For it was a’ but nonsense.
The auld guidman raught down the pock,
And out a hanfu’ gied him;
Syne bade him slip frae ‘mang the folk,
Some time when nae ane see’d him,
And try’t that night.
He marches through amang the stacks,
Though he was something sturtin;
The graip he for a harrow taks.
And haurls it at his curpin;
And every now and then he says,
“Hemp-seed, I saw thee,
And her that is to be my lass,
Come after me, and draw thee
As fast this night.”[27]
He whistled up Lord Lennox’ march
To keep his courage cheery;
Although his hair began to arch,
He was say fley’d and eerie:
Till presently he hears a squeak,
And then a grane and gruntle;
He by his shouther gae a keek,
And tumbled wi’ a wintle
Out-owre that night.
He roar’d a horrid murder-shout,
In dreadfu’ desperation!
And young and auld[28] came runnin’ out
To hear the sad narration;
He swore ’twas hilchin Jean M’Craw,
Or crouchie Merran Humphie,
Till, stop! she trotted through them
And wha was it but grumphie
Asteer that night!
Meg fain wad to the barn hae gaen,
To win three wechts o’ naething[29];
But for to meet the deil her lane,
She pat but little faith in:
She gies the herd a pickle nits,
And two red-cheekit apples[30],
To watch, while for the barn she sets,
In hopes to see Tam Kipples[31]
That very nicht.
She turns the key wi cannie thraw,
And owre the threshold ventures;
But first on Sawnie gies a ca’
Syne[32] bauldly in she enters:
A ratton rattled up the wa’,
And she cried, Lord, preserve her!
And ran through midden-hole and a’,
And pray’d wi’ zeal and fervour,
Fu’ fast that night;
They hoy’t out Will wi’ sair advice;
They hecht him some fine braw ane;
It chanced the stack he faddom’d thrice[33]
Was timmer-propt for thrawin’;
He taks a swirlie, auld moss-oak,
For some black grousome carlin;
And loot a winze, and drew a stroke,
Till skin in blypes cam haurlin’
Aff’s nieves that night.
A wanton widow Leezie was,
As canty as a kittlin;
But, och! that night amang the shaws,
She got a fearfu’ settlin’!
She through the whins, and by the cairn,
And owre the hill gaed scrievin,
Whare three lairds’ lands met at a burn[34]
To dip her left sark-sleeve in,
Was bent that night.
Whyles owre a linn the burnie plays,
As through the glen it wimpl’t;
Whyles round a rocky scaur it strays;
Whyles in a wiel it dimpl’t;
Whyles glitter’d to the nightly rays,
Wi’ bickering, dancing dazzle[35];
Whyles cookit underneath the braes,
Below the spreading hazel,
Unseen that night.
Among the brackens, on the brae,
Between her and the moon,
The deil, or else an outler quey,
Gat up and gae a croon:
Poor Leezie’s heart maist lap the hool!
Near lav’rock-height she jumpit;
but mist a fit, and in the pool[36]
Out-owre the lugs she plumpit,
Wi’ a plunge that night.
In order, on the clean hearth-stane,
The luggies three[37] are ranged,
And every time great care is ta’en’,
To see them duly changed:
Auld Uncle John, wha wedlock joys
Sin’ Mar’s year did desire,
Because he gat the toom dish thrice,
He heaved them on the fire
In wrath that night.
Wi’ merry sangs, and friendly cracks,
I wat they didna weary;
And unco tales, and funny jokes,
Their sports were cheap and cheery;
Till butter’d so’ns[38], wi’ fragrant lunt,
Set a’ their gabs a-steerin’;
Syne, wi’ a social glass o’ strunt,
They parted aff careerin’
Fu’ blythe that night.
[1] According to Kathleen A. Heininge, in Catholic dogma, it is never quite clear just how the Celtic faeries, or Sidhe, are to be accounted for: “The Sidhe might be the spirits of the dead, or the ancient gods ‘in a degraded form,’ or ‘a folk-memory of a very ancient race of mortals’”. A century after Burns, the prevailing Catholic theologies of the day first tried to eliminate the Sidhe folklore; failing that, they then attempted to appropriate them into their own framework: “the Christian understanding of this tradition was that so many angels chose to leave heaven with Lucifer that God was in danger of being left alone”. We might also add the reading that the faeries were ministering spirits pertaining to this world.
[2] Per Robert Burns himself, “Certain little, romantic, rocky, green hills, in the neighbourhood of the ancient seat of the Earls of Cassilis“. Incidentally, the drive from Downs, Utah to Cassilis, Canada, would take about 41 hours.
[3] 2 Samuel 6:14-22, as cited by the LDS youth favorite film Footloose, and further validated by D&C 136:28.
[4] D&C 137:3.
[5] The Terrestrial Kingdom.
[6] Robert the Bruce, significant supporting-character in Braveheart, whose soundtrack was popular among missionaries in the late-90s/early-2000s
[7] What every YSA is at least attempting to do at the Tri-Stake Area YSA Halloween Dance
[8] Trendy Trader Joe’s staple that Jim Gaffigan–an LDS-favorite comedian purportedly cause he’s family friendly, even though he once called his wife a “Shi’ite Catholic”–has called “un-American” in interviews.
[9] Per Robert Burns himself, “The first ceremony of Halloween is pulling each a “stock,” or plant of kail. They must go out, hand in hand, with eyes shut, and pull the first they meet with: its being big or little, straight or crooked, is prophetic of the size and shape of the grand object of all their spells-the husband or wife.” LDS readers naturally smile at such superstition, even though they all secretly believe with all sincerity of heart that the attractiveness of their spouse was determined by how many houses they tracted in the rain during their missions.
[10] Verb form of toddler, familiar to anyone who has ever served in Nursery.
[11] Per Robert Burns, “They go to the barnyard, and pull each, at three different times, a stalk of oats. If the third stalk wants the ‘top-pickle,’ that is, the grain at the top of the stalk, the party in question will come to the marriage-bed anything but a maid.” At this point, the parties in question would need to schedule a meeting with their Bishop.
[12] Per Robert Burns himself, “Burning the nuts is a favorite charm. They name the lad and lass to each particular nut, as they lay them in the fire; and according as they burn quietly together, or start from beside one another, the course and issue of the courtship will be.” Though perhaps superstitious as well, this method of courtship is still more effective than trying to flirt with someone in the Temple Celestial Room, or listing one’s mission leadership positions on LDSsingles.com.
[13] Scottish variant of blaze, or brag; also the sound Napoleon Dynamite makes in the final dance-scene, as witnessed by many a BYU-Idaho alumni on a dull Saturday night.
[14] Groundskeeper for Springfield Elementary on The Simpsons, whom near every BYU student between 2005-2015 owned on DVD–or knew someone who owned–and could quote copiously.
[15] As is visible from numerous points along the Wasatch Front.
[16] Insert Plumber’s Crack in sagging pants joke here.
[17] Popular early-aughts children’s show that numerous RMs could’ve sworn was written and acted in by actual Returned Missionaries; the frequent presence of The Aquabats on the show seemed to confirm this suspicious.
[18] Scottish variant of “jokin’,” or what you say to your crush when you confess your true feelings only for them to admit they only like you as a friend at the Tri-Stake YSA Halloween Dance.
[19] The Lord of the Rings variant of “Good Lord,” popular among LDS students who don’t want to take the Lord’s name in vain.
[20] Per Robert Burns, “Take a candle and go alone to a looking-glass; eat an apple before it, and some traditions say you should comb your hair all the time; the face of your conjungal companion, to be, will be seen in the glass, as if peeping over your shoulder.” Or, you know, you could just talk to him.
[21] Vaping is currently against the Word of Wisdom.
[22] Sometimes our attempts to insult without profanities gets a little nonsensical.
[23] UVU students.
[24] Mistakenly assumed to be the Scottish variant of “many;” actually a reference to how little most sales-reps actually make in Summer Sales.
[25] Per Robert Burns himself, “Steal out, unperceived, and sow a handful of hemp-seed, harrowing it with anything you can conveniently draw after you. Repeat now and then: “Hemp-seed, I saw thee, hemp-seed, I saw thee; and him (or her) that is to be my true love, come after me and pou’ thee.” Look over your left shoulder, and you will see the appearance of the person invoked, in the attitude of pulling hemp.” But it should go without saying that you shouldn’t ever court people involved in the hemp-trade; stick to someone in something more reputable, like Vivant or MLMs.
[26] “A quick kiss on the cheek”–Hobbes, from Calvin + Hobbes.
[27] When someone decides to start their Fast the evening before, so they can lunch directly after Church on the first Sunday of the month.
[28] You immediately recognize this as coming from that other famous Robert Burns poem “Auld Lang Syne,” which you all mock-drunkenly sing together at the Stake YSA New Years Eve Dance, despite it ending half hour before midnight, as though you all weren’t just going to run out and keep partying unsupervised by the chaperones anyways. Realizing that “Auld” means “old” will not help you decipher its meaning any better.
[29] Per Robert Burns, “This charm must likewise be performed unperceived and alone. You go to the barn, and open both doors, taking them off the hinges, if possible; for there is danger that the being about to appear may shut the doors, and do you some mischief. Then take that instrument used in winnowing the corn, which in our country dialect we call a “wecht,” and go through all the attitudes of letting down corn against the wind. Repeat it three times, and the third time an apparition will pass through the barn, in at the windy door and out at the other, having both the figure in question, and the appearance or retinue, marking the employment or station in life.” Given the sheer number of courtship charms in this poem, you should feel way less bad about trying to get someone’s phone number at the Tri-Stake YSA Halloween Dance.
[30] Red Delicious apples have had all their flavor bread out of them by now anyways; go with a Fuji, Jazz, or Granny Smith instead.
[31] A plausibly Utahan name.
[32] Wait, is this connected to “Auld Lang Syne” as well?? If only Scottish had been my mission language, I bet I’d be cleaning up at this dance by now.
[33] Per Robert Burns, “Take an opportunity of going unnoticed to a “bear-stack,” and fathom it three times round. The last fathom of the last time you will catch in your arms the appearance of your future conjugal yoke-fellow.” We prefer the term “Eternal Companion” instead, but “conjugal yoke-fellow” does have a certain folksy charm to it–like something a weird old-timey Temple sealer would say to make the wedding more awkward.
[34] Per Robert Burns, “You go out, one or more (for this is a social spell), to a south running spring, or rivulet, where “three lairds’ lands meet,” and dip your left shirt sleeve. Go to bed in sight of a fire, and hang your wet sleeve before it to dry. Lie awake, and, some time near midnight, an apparition, having the exact figure of the grand object in question, will come and turn the sleeve, as if to dry the other side of it.” Just so long as it’s before curfew.
[35] What everyone who’s ever watched Footloose dreams of doing at the Tri-Stake YSA Halloween Dance.
[36] Pool-dates are especially popular, because everyone can dress revealingly without technically being “immodest.” Too chilly to do that in late October, unfortunately.
[37] Per Robert Burns, “Take three dishes, put clean water in one, foul water in another, and leave the third empty; blindfold a person and lead him to the hearth where the dishes are ranged; he (or she) dips the left hand; if by chance in the clean water, the future (husband or) wife will come to the bar of matrimony a maid; if in the foul, a widow; if in the empty dish, it foretells, with equal certainty, no marriage at all. It is repeated three times, and every time the arrangement of the dishes is altered.” Hey, whatever gets your roommates to finally do the dishes; it works at least as well as setting up a burner account on LDSsingles posing as a hottie offering to come over and visit.
[38] Per Robert Burns, “Sowens, with butter instead of milk to them, is always the Halloween Supper.” Hey still better than a chili feed; I still don’t get how the heck that became an LDS Halloween tradition.